I never thought I would be writing this post.
All those months ago when I made my 30 before 30 list I was honest. They were all goals that I wanted to participate in and hopefully conquer but there was one which, in all honesty, I never ever thought I would be able to crack.
Yet here I am and I haven't touched a cigarette for 6 months.
Today is my 6 month anniversary and I am dumbfounded that I have done this. When I look back to the blog I wrote in my first week of quitting I just can't believe that I am here, still an ex-smoker.
I don't think a lot of myself. I lack confidence and praise but, for the first time, I just want to stand on the highest mountain and shout "I don't smoke anymore!"
I want to run up to strangers and, mid-embrace, just shout in their ear "I haven't smoked for 6 whole flipping months!"
I am really, really proud of myself.
It has been hard. On some days I have become a vile person that has spat venom at everyone and anyone. My poor husband has had to deal with some very unsavoury behaviour. It didn't help that he wavered and gave up giving up and is back to being a twenty-a-day smoker.
It has helped in some ways. When you're a smoker you never realise how much you stink. There is always a gargantuan cloud of stale aroma following you wherever you go. Even when I would put freshly laundered clothes on to my freshly showered body, I still stank. Its smoky tendrils swirl right down into the fabrics and linger like a filthy little demon.
My husbands absolutely stinks. When he comes back in the house from venturing out into the gale force winds he actually smells so bad I sometimes think I may vomit all over his smoke infested lap.
I have noticed that since quitting - after the initial period of perpetual anger - I'm calmer. I don't feel I get as stressed or as angry as I once did. I'm not as short tempered with the kids and when I do get cross I calm down sooner than I did before. I have also noticed that I sleep better, I'm more awake in the mornings (well, most mornings!) I feel fitter and happier. I have even rolled my husband a few rollies and not had the urge to stick it in my gob! That's progress right there.
The best thing to come out of this is that during my check up in ICD clinic I got told that my hearts health had improved by 7%. They couldn't tell me 100% it was quitting smoking but they couldn't tell me that it wasn't. I don't have to go back for a year. I had my ICD for almost 12 years I have never had a year appointment its mostly been 3 months, sometimes 6 months.
Receiving this news was such a highlight. I cannot even describe the feelings I had when I told my parents that I've actually got a bit better. Quitting is obviously the best thing I have done.
I still get this monstrous surge of loss. I miss smoking so much sometimes I actually feel depressed. It is a very fleeting moment - seconds really - but for that moment, its gut-wrenching. Like I said in my previous post I started smoking young and I had quite disruptive teenage years, it was my one constant. It was always there for me. If I was sad, angry, lost, happy, envious, lonely, whatever - it was there, just waiting for me to suckle on its vaporous teat
I don't think I can say 100% I will never put a cigarette to my lips again. Addicts can't make the promise of forever. The future is a scary place that holds many adventures, some good, some bad. I'll take it a day at a time and hope that's enough for my friends and family.
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