Tales from a bionic woman

Tuesday, 2 May 2017

My body, the enemy

When I was younger, like all children, I was full of aspirations and dreams. My goal in life was to be a professional dancer. I was determined that when I was old enough I was going to move to New York and go to the High school of Performing arts to further my studies, jumping on a yellow cab roof, singing “Fame” as loud as possible with my leg warmers keeping out the biting cold from those New York winds. I went to dance class four days a week and constantly danced around the house. I pirouetted in the lounge, tapped in the garden. I made my poor parents sit through my own dancing extravaganzas too many times. Whether or not I was actually any good I didn’t care because I never felt more alive than when I danced.

Ballet was actually my strongest class and I moved on to pointe shoes pretty quick. I was born with an abnormal toe and this became painful whilst I danced. I was going to have corrective surgery on the toe eventually so it seemed a pretty good idea to move it forward. The worst news I heard was that I would have to stop dancing for two whole months whilst it healed.

During my rest time something strange crept over my body. It was called puberty. It ruined my life (say that in a dramatic teenage angst voice for full effect) I chunked up big time. I wasn’t doing much exercise and eating everything I possibly could fit in my mouth so when I swaggered back into ballet class I had gone from kids clothes to a curvy 12. My teacher scanned my new voluptuous body and she made a comment that I will never forget to my dying day.

“You will never be a ballerina with a body like that”

I stopped dancing soon after, ashamed that I had let everybody down by gaining so much weight. I would be an embarrassment if I was on stage with all my fellow classmates. They were so slender and graceful whereas I was now this monstrous whale that cannot dance with a body like mine. I never wanted to wear tight Lycra again. Fast forward to twenty years or so and my body confidence is probably at the lowest it has ever been.

I am a massive foodie and whilst my diet is pretty well rounded I have three addictions which drag me down. Chocolate. Cheese. Pizza. I actually worry sometimes that my grave will say ‘she just wouldn’t put down the cheeseboard’. I love food so much that I cannot do diets because as soon as I know I can’t have something I want to eat ten trucks of it. As a result of this, I now have regular meltdowns about my body. You do not want to be near me when I have to go out-out unless you are good at catching rage-filled flying items. There is only one reason why this is happening.

My stomach is not flat.

I don’t know who made the rules that a stomach should be flat but it seems that it is indeed the rule. As a woman you are supposed to have a perfectly round, pert cellulite free bum. Hips with no extra love handle meat. Boobs that are big enough for men to play with but not too big so you have to wear ugly, supportive bras. No droopiness allowed either. A blemish free face, perfect straight teeth, no grey hairs, no body hair, full lips, arched eyebrows, manicured nails, no saggy knees. Not a single hint of a stretch mark but above all of this. A FLAT STOMACH.

I have an hourglass figure, big hips, ample boobage but a small waist. It sounds pretty good right? Well it ain’t. All my recent weight gain has gone directly on to my stomach and my hips – the hardest place to work off. I cannot do any of my last summer shorts up. I am also pretty poor right now, so my options for an impending sunshine holiday is either wear said bottoms with the button undone and hope they don’t fall down or try and go down a dress size in about 30 days. Obviously I chose to go with the latter, purchased a 28 day plan fitness cookbook and mentally prepared myself to be miserable and hangry for a month. Then I just thought, why?

I’m going on holiday with my husband who still finds me attractive and my kids that love me regardless so why do I feel the need to lose a stone in less than a month?

The answer is because of strangers. The ones that are sat on the poolside that – inside my paranoid anxious mind – are thinking that I shouldn’t be wearing a bikini with a body like that. The cool group of twenty somethings, fresh out of university that are thinking I shouldn’t be wearing shorts with a body like that. The athletic couple jogging on the beach, their perfectly shiny hair swaying side to side thinking ooh she should wear a sarong with a body like that. They are blatantly not thinking this. They probably won’t even be looking at me, unless I fall over which I tend to do. I constantly compare myself to my friends and celebrities, thinking my body is disgusting and I should change this and wear that. I can’t even imagine posting a picture without taking a billion different (yet the same) versions. I also need me them filters. God knows I can’t survive without a Valencia. I am thirty three and I have popped out two kids and I forget to mention I am in fact only a size 10/12. It makes no sense to why I feel so excruciatingly embarrassed by my body.

My body is actually astonishing. Looking past the external façade of it all, I am in awe of what my body has withstood. I have a load of surgeries, multiple on my heart. A pre-cancerous cell cluster scraped from my cervix (which is also curved just to make it more unique i.e. difficult) without proper anaesthetic due to my complicated heart defect. I’ve put my whole arm through glass and bled so profusely I didn’t think I had any left in me. I’m prone to benign cysts. I collapse, I have severe panic attacks but most importantly I created actual human life. My internal body has never let me down. It may get broken from time to time but it always gets me better and makes me stronger. It is just the most beautiful, resilient, incredible specimen. All of this yet I am literally making myself crazy because I have a bit of a jelly belly. This stops today. I am so sick of this utter horse shit. I want to be healthy and strong but I don’t want it at the cost of my happiness. I have cellulite on my ass; my husband still wants to grab it. I have stretch marks, scars, saggy knees, goofy teeth, a witchy chin, chunky thighs, a rounder tummy, massive love handles but they make me. That is who I am. The people that matter love me regardless. They like my kindness, my thoughtfulness, my witty humour. They don’t care if I ate one too many chocolate oranges. They are the voices that matter. Not some dance teacher that would smoke during class (true story) or some teenagers who asked once if I ate all the pies (I did, they were pork ones and they were fucking delicious!) not some clothes designer who thinks anyone over a size 0 is fat. Not some Kardashian who thinks that contoured, full lipped face with a naked body is the perfect role model look. I am not doing it. What I am going to do is go into my kitchen have some melted cheese and probably a chunky KitKat and look at all the fucks I used to give as I wave them all goodbye.

Wednesday, 8 March 2017

Nothing better than a woman

I became very aware around the age of thirteen that I fancied girls but coming from a Christian family that was heavily involved with church life I kind of knew it wasn’t “right”. I was living in a world where man and woman was the natural way of life. My sister was a bit wayward. She listened to grunge and wasn’t down with God, a lot of our Christian friends weren’t particularly happy about it. If they could get mad at my sister for liking Nirvana then how would they treat me if they knew I wanted to kiss girls?

I struggled internally with these huge urges I had towards girls until I finally had an opportunity to explore. Saturdays were my dance days; I had a few classes back to back and spent most of the day out of the house. My friend and I decided to skip drama and go and try to smoke a cigarette she had taken from her mum’s purse. We hid under the pier down the beach and got talking about boys and she said she had never kissed a boy and she was worried that she would do “the washing machine” I said I had kissed a few boys so she asked me if I could teach her. As soon as our tongues touched I knew that it was right. I was meant to kiss girls. She freaked out and told me to never tell anyone what happened and ran off. I felt the softness of her lips linger on me for a long time.

Things changed about a year later when I finally confided in a small circle of female friends that I was bisexual. Obviously, being a teenager in school, when shit like that goes down you don’t keep it to yourself. So – naturally - the whole year knew by the end of the day that I was now a stinking lesbian. I found school hard from then on. I got paranoid that female friends worried about being around me. I got sick of being called a dirty dyke by this one group of bitches. I got scared when that group followed me home and threw stones at me. I made sure I had boyfriends so people would forget about it. The worst part was when I realised I was fully in love with my best friend and I wanted nothing more than to kiss her. Unrequited love is a killer, especially the secret kind.

I became very good at hiding my bisexuality and could satisfy the urges with having the odd night out in a gay bar and doing some stuff in the toilets with random chicks. My first proper relationship with a girl suffered because I couldn’t cope with being openly Bi properly after years of oppressing it and the next possible relationship faltered because I was still hung up on my ex and acted like a complete twat to this beautiful woman. I felt like I never blossomed or belonged because I was too worried about how others perceived me.

I am now a mother of two daughters and there are so many things I want for them in life but the biggest thing I want for them is to be true to who they are and too just not give a fuck about what others think. I spend an obscene amount of time teaching them about being strong and to love themselves more than anyone else. I encourage them to dress how they like, regardless of what anyone else thinks. I introduce them to all kinds of music so they never belittle anyone for their music choices. Mostly I teach them that no one is better than them but they are also not better than anyone. I tell them that no matter what they want to do, if they work hard, that can do it. I also teach them to be kind, even to people who aren't so kind to them because, although I don't want them to be pushovers I also think, in later years, they can look back and know that they weren't part of making other people feel sad. I hope that when my girls are older they can say that I was a good mum and that I taught them well. I hope that I have provided them with the important values a person needs like respect and kindness. I hope that courage and patience is above money and possessions. I hope they never judge anyone on anything they do and they support their loved ones with the choices that they make. I hope that they see beauty and experience love and cherish the moments of happiness and sorrow because they are the foundations on which you build your soul. I am lucky to have had so many females in my life whether it is in the shape of family, friend or lover. Every woman that I have met has done something which has helped to shape me but these are the few extra special women that deserve a mention.

Josephine March taught me that you don’t have to do what is expected of you

Hermione Granger taught me that being a nerd doesn’t make you a wimp

Gaynor Derham taught me that you can get dragged to hell but you can make it back home again

Natalie Thomas taught me that life is too short

Julia Titus taught me that having kids young doesn’t make you a failure it makes you a super hero

Samantha Jones taught me that it’s okay to just really love sex

Liz Phillips and Zoe Williams taught me that laughter is always the best medicine and that our friendship will only ever grow stronger and nothing will ever break the edamames.

Cat Rees taught me to never be taken for a fool again

Hannah Fitt has taught me to always keep going, regardless of the amount of shit that gets thrown your way

Ann Phillips taught me that women are tigers and you will hear us roar

Kani Barawi taught me fuck it!

Jo Chapman taught me determination is the biggest key to getting what you want (she also has the softest lips ever) (drunk birthday kisses)

Emma Hampson-Jones taught me that even when faced with utmost horror, nothing can break a woman's inner strength

Martha Richards taught me you don't ever need to rely on anyone to get you where you want to be. You are enough to get you where you want to be (Also salt lamps are life!)

Lisa Crew taught me that it’s okay to go to a really dark place to inspire the light

Beth Forbes Simpson taught me that having a massive love for someone isn't measured by time spent together and that idols come in all forms, even in the shape of a beautiful florist from Barry

Pineapple girl taught me that no fruit will ever be as tasty as a pineapple

Kate Winslet taught me that her boobs are pretty much perfection.

The list could go on for days as there are so many incredible women in my life. I feel at peace knowing that I have all these powerful characters looking out for me and enriching my femininity.

Women, I salute you.

Monday, 10 October 2016

I'm Fine

Today marks national mental health day. Mental health is so large scale that we now have a whole day dedicated to raising awareness for this multi-layered increasingly common problem. Yet it is something that people do not want to talk about.

I was 16 when I first started taking anti-depressants. Most people put it down to me being a moody goth and my parents divorcing. I couldn't pinpoint what was wrong with me I just knew that I wanted it to stop. I was quite far in the grips of depression and then when my sister died it nearly made me fall over the edge. But somehow it didn't.

Something inside of me - however small it was - kept on fighting and kept moving me forward and I got through it. For years I was good. I would have blue days where I would do nothing but cry but most of the time I was good.

Then one day I wasn't - just like that. My best friend was moving to Australia and all of a sudden I just couldn't cope with anything. Her leaving me was this humongous catalyst that would inhibit my every day life. I have now been suffering with crippling anxiety since 2008.

Here are some examples of how ridiculous my anxiety attack reasons are-

I was going to a gig and I had a driving lesson the next day. I got so anxious about being tired in my lesson and driving badly that I ended up selling my concert tickets so I didn't jeopardise my driving ability

Whenever I wear red lipstick I am so anxious and paranoid that it draws attention to my teeth (one of my teeth sticks out- a snaggletooth in the making if you will) that I have an internal battle the entire time I wear it. I argue with myself about taking it off so they will stop staring at my teeth but if I take it off they'll know it's because I know that they are looking at my teeth (they're not)

Sometimes I get so concerned that I chew loudly or my stomach will bloat so much I literally cannot eat in front of people. I once went 45 hours without eating when I went away with a friend because I got anxious about it.

I got so anxious that I wasn't a good drunk I gave up drinking for five years then when I started drinking again I started panicking that people would make fun of how quickly I got drunk so I don't actually like drinking in front of people

I once got so anxious about whether the mums in the playground thought I was a paedophile because I had a Michael Jackson t shirt on I Haven't worn it since.

I said they were ridiculous.

The smallest thing in the world can set of my anxiety and my symptoms can range from shakes and sweats to bad stomachs to uncontrollable sobbing to full panic attacks and fainting.

I often bail on plans because I get anxious about being anxious but I'm too embarrassed to say it's because I'm anxious because people don't get it.

It's weird to not be okay when you actually have nothing to not be okay about. You have no idea how much I am shaking whilst writing this because I can't cope with the fact that someone is going to read this. Yet I want more than anything for people to read this because it is so incredibly common.

I am a bit broken but I know I am not alone. So many people suffer with mental illness and still this huge stigma surrounds it. Why is it not okay to talk about it? I am lucky that I have a husband who has so much patience for me. I have often ruined plans because I get so worked up and he never gets angry with me because he gets it. Sometimes I just can't. I have no explanation or excuse I just can't.

If you know me just think about this deeply. When you met me would you have put me down for A mental health patient because I am one. Mental illness is here, in front of you. Don't judge. Be kind. Be patient. Know that I am still me but sometimes I just short circuit. If you don't know me It may be your friend, your sibling, your colleague, anyone because it is everywhere. Just take a minute, take some time to talk or to listen. We just need an ear or a hug or to know that you're around. Don't shut us out. Don't get pissed off with our bailing. Take time to try understand.

Mental health doesn't have a type, it can sink its claws into anyone in so many different ways. If you suffer with it, don't. From today, don't suffer. Talk about it to anyone and everyone. Please don't stay silent, please don't be embarrassed. See it as being part of a huge dysfunctional family, embrace it. That is when the stigma gets punched in the mouth and we can stand proud. Don't let it beat you down.

You are here. You are beautiful.

Saturday, 25 June 2016

Nothing better than a woman

I am now a mother of two daughters and there are so many things I want for them in life but the biggest thing I want for them is to be true to who they are. It enrages me that there is so much hate in this world not just with homophobia but with race, religion, politics etc. but no matter what, you will always find incredible women everywhere you look. I hope that when my girls are older they can say that I was a good mum and that I taught them well. I hope that I have provided them with the important values a person needs like respect and kindness. I hope that courage and patience is above money and possessions. I hope they never judge anyone on anything they do and they support their loved ones with the choices that they make. I hope that they see beauty and experience love and cherish the moments of happiness and sorrow because they are the foundations on which you build your soul. I am lucky to have had so many females in my life whether it is in the shape of family, friend or lover. Every woman that I have met has done something which has helped to shape me. These are a few lessons I have learned.

Josephine March taught me that you don’t have to do what is expected of you

Hermione Granger taught me that being a nerd doesn’t make you a wimp

Courtney Love taught me that harsh words can’t break you

Gaynor Derham taught me that you can get dragged to hell but you can make it back home again

Natalie Thomas taught me that life is too short

Julia Titus taught me that having kids young doesn’t make you a failure it makes you a super hero

Samantha Jones taught me that it’s okay to just really love sex

Liz Phillips and Zoe Williams taught me that laughter is always the best medicine

Cat Rees taught me to never be taken for a fool again

Ann Phillips taught me that women are tigers and you will hear us roar

Haysha Kitchener taught me fuck it!

Pineapple girl taught me that no fruit will ever be as tasty as a pineapple

Lisa Crew taught me that it’s okay to go to a really dark place to inspire the light

Kate Winslet taught me that her boobs are pretty much perfection

The list could go on for days as there are so many incredible women in my life. I feel at peace knowing that I have all these powerful characters looking out for me and enriching my femininity.

Women, I salute you.

Thursday, 29 October 2015

10 important life lessons Empire Records has taught us

When you are a teenage girl and you have the weight of a sleepover resting on your shoulders there is a short but vital list that will help you. Get snacks to please everyone. Have all items for makeovers ready and waiting. Get an incredible movie to watch. I was 13 and I had spent a long time prepping for this event. I had cleaned the room and made it super cosy and comfy for my guests. I had organised sparkly nail varnishes, garish eyeshadows and an array of scrunchies next to the bowls of crisps and maltesers. My Mum had splashed out and got THREE frozen pizzas, all that was left was the movie. I had saved some pocket money and asked if we could go and rent a video and whilst I scanned the VHS cases I fell upon Empire Records. It had a dog wearing headphones and some cool kids on the front. I thought it would hit the mark. It didn’t. My friends thought it was ‘SOOO lame!’ I – on the other hand – LOVED it. It remains one of my favourite movies to date and the more I watch the more I realise how this isn’t just a movie it is an important lecture into adulthood. Without this movie I don’t think I would be the stand-up citizen I am today and I will never be able to explain how excited I got when actual Ethan Embry followed me on twitter. I will now guide you through these lessons (in list form because who doesn’t love a list!)

1. You never have to explain your art to anyone.

It’s your art; the world can like it or suck it. It is YOUR art. Who cares what people think? Do what makes you happy and what makes you feel artistically free. You want to make pin badges with angsty taglines on them then do it. You want to glue quarters to the floor, you glue them and be proud. You don’t have to answer to anyone!

2. Your idols will quite often be a let down.

There is one singer of a band that I love but he is quite well known for being an arsehole. I met him once and he wasn’t overly rude but he wasn’t very engaging either compared to the rest of the band and it put me off them a bit because I just think you should be nice to people, regardless of who they or you are. It’s just unfortunate that some people get above their station and these are the ones that don’t care about you, they enjoy seeing you humiliated and crying. They secretly wash their hair with your tears.

3. Sometimes (most times) that weird punk/ Goth is actually super nice.

They come across as gnarly angst-ridden brick walls that need bulldozers to break their heavily pierced, eye lined exterior but inside they are the softest ball of butter you will ever meet. Secretly they also love unicorns. More than anything they just want to be loved and liked and you will find that they fight the hardest for someone/ something they believe in. Big up the goths!

4. You will always have one friend that you secretly have the horn for.

This doesn’t apply to every friend. I have loads of friends and I am 97% sure I haven’t thought of them all naked but there will be one guy/girl that you talk to more than the others and you tell him/her things that are deeply personal and you show vulnerability and frailty then BAM! Friend zone explodes and you want to pork. After all they make you feel like a bath, right A.J?

5. Corporates try to ruin everything.
I hate money. So does Lucas. Money ruins everything. I know we need it to survive or whatever but in my hometown an independent record store has been serving us since 1894 (obviously back then it was selling phonographs rather than the new Alice in Chains vinyl) but the bigwigs swan in and try to ruin everything and they make stupid rules. No gum chewing? We’re talking to customers all day long, should we not have fresh breath? No piercings or tattoos? I have heard that it affects the way you work; it must be all the metal dragging you down. No revealing clothing? Most dates come from flirting with customers. Stupid corporates!

6. Your work mates will help you with the drama of life better than anyone else.

Need love life advice? Your mature boss will help you with their nuggets of wisdom (as long as you keep your hands off their beer, cigars and drumsticks) Need some advice on how to seduce a pop star? Borrow your friends red bra, job done. Want to shave your head, borrow my clippers. Hungry? Hello pizza delivery and special chocolate brownies with extra sugar. You want to sing in a band? Come sing with us. Your work mates see you more than anyone else. You become a family; there is nothing they won’t do for you. If anything they make you chase your dreams more.

7. Record stores are the best place to work EVER!
You meet all walks of life in a record store. It’s a holy grail for people to congregate in their one joint love of music. No one judges you, if anything they make suggestions for what else you may like or tell you about a band playing down the road that you should check out. I spent years trying to get a job in HMV, Virgin and, of course, Spillers but to no avail. I still feel hugely disappointed.

8. Always play with their minds.
This can be used on many levels. You never want to be an open book. Live your life shrouded in a bit of mystery. Keep a part of you hidden. Make people think about you. You want to leave an impression on people and the best way is to be a little bit weird. Also great for catching shoplifters.

9. Empire records is one of the most quotable movies of our generation.
I can honestly quote empire records in context to something every day. There are so many characters and stories blended into one movie that it gives you a wide range of use for dropping in the quote bomb. When I was in Uni my housemates and I practically spoke in Empire records language. I would list them on here but I would be here all night. Just watch the movie.

10. Music is the glue of the world.
I can’t imagine my life without music. Just having some rap, metal and Whitney Houston to listen to makes me feel all kinds of awesome. There is something for every mood you are feeling. It will always be there for you. It unites us as friends, hell, even as nations. Without music – life – would be meaningless.

So, in the immortal words of The Doors, the time to hesitate is through. Put the movie on and bask in the glow of the almighty juggernaut that is Empire Records.