Nothing better than a woman

I became very aware around the age of thirteen that I fancied girls but coming from a Christian family that was heavily involved with church life I kind of knew it wasn’t “right”. I was living in a world where man and woman was the natural way of life.  My sister was a bit wayward. She listened to grunge and wasn’t down with God, a lot of our Christian friends weren’t particularly happy about it. If they could get mad at my sister for liking Nirvana then how would they treat me if they knew I wanted to kiss girls?

I struggled internally with these huge urges I had towards girls until I finally had an opportunity to explore. Saturdays were my dance days; I had a few classes back to back and spent most of the day out of the house. My friend and I decided to skip drama and go and try to smoke a cigarette she had taken from her mum’s purse. We hid under the pier down the beach and got talking about boys and she said she had never kissed a boy and she was worried that she would do “the washing machine” I said I had kissed a few boys so she asked me if I could teach her. As soon as our tongues touched I knew that it was right. I was meant to kiss girls. She freaked out and told me to never tell anyone what happened and ran off. I felt the softness of her lips linger on me for a long time.

                Things changed about a year later when I finally confided in a small circle of female friends that I was bisexual. Obviously, being a teenager in school, when shit like that goes down you don’t keep it to yourself. So – naturally - the whole year knew by the end of the day that I was now a stinking lesbian. I found school hard from then on. I got paranoid that female friends worried about being around me. I got sick of being called a dirty dyke by this one group of bitches. I got scared when that group followed me home and threw stones at me. I made sure I had boyfriends so people would forget about it. The worst part was when I realised I was fully in love with my best friend and I wanted nothing more than to kiss her. Unrequited love is a killer, especially the secret kind.

I became very good at hiding my bisexuality and could satisfy the urges with having the odd night out in a gay bar and doing some stuff in the toilets with random chicks. My first proper relationship with a girl suffered because I couldn’t cope with being openly Bi properly after years of oppressing it and the next possible relationship faltered because I was still hung up on my ex and acted like a complete twat to this beautiful woman. I felt like I never blossomed or belonged because I was too worried about how others perceived me. 

I am now a mother of two daughters and there are so many things I want for them in life but the biggest thing I want for them is to be true to who they are and too just not give a fuck about what others think. I spend an obscene amount of time teaching them about being strong and to love themselves more than anyone else. I encourage them to dress how they like, regardless of what anyone else thinks. I introduce them to all kinds of music so they never belittle anyone for their music choices. Mostly I teach them that no one is better than them but they are also not better than anyone. I tell them that no matter what they want to do, if they work hard, that can do it. I also teach them to be kind, even to people who aren't so kind to them because, although I don't want them to be pushovers I also think, in later years, they can look back and know that they weren't part of making other people feel sad. I hope that when my girls are older they can say that I was a good mum and that I taught them well. I hope that I have provided them with the important values a person needs like respect and kindness. I hope that courage and patience is above money and possessions. I hope they never judge anyone on anything they do and they support their loved ones with the choices that they make. I hope that they see beauty and experience love and cherish the moments of happiness and sorrow because they are the foundations on which you build your soul. I am lucky to have had so many females in my life whether it is in the shape of family, friend or lover. Every woman that I have met has done something which has helped to shape me but these are the few extra special women that deserve a mention.

Josephine March taught me that you don’t have to do what is expected of you

Hermione Granger taught me that being a nerd doesn’t make you a wimp

Gaynor Derham taught me that you can get dragged to hell but you can make it back home again

Natalie Thomas taught me that life is too short

Julia Titus taught me that having kids young doesn’t make you a failure it makes you a super hero

Samantha Jones taught me that it’s okay to just really love sex

Liz Phillips and Zoe Williams taught me that laughter is always the best medicine and that our friendship will only ever grow stronger and nothing will ever break the edamames.

Cat Rees taught me to never be taken for a fool again


Hannah Fitt has taught me to always keep going, regardless of the amount of shit that gets thrown your way

Ann Phillips taught me that women are tigers and you will hear us roar

Kani Barawi taught me fuck it!


Jo Chapman taught me determination is the biggest key to getting what you want (she also has the softest lips ever) (drunk birthday kisses)

Emma Hampson-Jones taught me that even when faced with utmost horror, nothing can break a woman's inner strength


Martha Richards taught me you don't ever need to rely on anyone to get you where you want to be. You are enough to get you where you want to be (Also salt lamps are life!)

Lisa Crew taught me that it’s okay to go to a really dark place to inspire the light


Beth Forbes Simpson taught me that having a massive love for someone isn't measured by time spent together and that idols come in all forms, even in the shape of a beautiful florist from Barry


Pineapple girl taught me that no fruit will ever be as tasty as a pineapple

Kate Winslet taught me that her boobs are pretty much perfection.

The list could go on for days as there are so many incredible women in my life. I feel at peace knowing that I have all these powerful characters looking out for me and enriching my femininity.

Women, I salute you.

I'm Fine

Today marks national mental health day. Mental health is so large scale that we now have a whole day dedicated to raising awareness for this multi-layered increasingly common problem. Yet it is something that people do not want to talk about.

I was 16 when I first started taking anti-depressants. Most people put it down to me being a moody goth and my parents divorcing. I couldn't pinpoint what was wrong with me I just knew that I wanted it to stop. I was quite far in the grips of depression and then when my sister died it nearly made me fall over the edge. But somehow it didn't.

Something inside of me - however small it was - kept on fighting and kept moving me forward and I got through it. For years I was good. I would have blue days where I would do nothing but cry but most of the time I was good.

Then one day I wasn't - just like that. My best friend was moving to Australia and all of a sudden I just couldn't cope with anything. Her leaving me was this humongous catalyst that would inhibit my every day life. I have now been suffering with crippling anxiety since 2008.

Here are some examples of how ridiculous my anxiety attack reasons are- 

I was going to a gig and I had a driving lesson the next day. I got so anxious about being tired in my lesson and driving badly that I ended up selling my concert tickets so I didn't jeopardise my driving ability

Whenever I wear red lipstick I am so anxious and paranoid that it draws attention to my teeth (one of my teeth sticks out- a snaggletooth in the making if you will) that I have an internal battle the entire time I wear it. I argue with myself about taking it off so they will stop staring at my teeth but if I take it off they'll know it's because I know that they are looking at my teeth (they're not)

Sometimes I get so concerned that I chew loudly or my stomach will bloat so much I literally cannot eat in front of people. I once went 45 hours without eating when I went away with a friend because I got anxious about it. 

I got so anxious that I wasn't a good drunk I gave up drinking for five years then when I started drinking again I started panicking that people would make fun of how quickly I got drunk so I don't actually like drinking in front of people

I once got so anxious about whether the mums in the playground thought I was a paedophile because I had a Michael Jackson t shirt on I Haven't worn it since.

I said they were ridiculous.

The smallest thing in the world can set of my anxiety and my symptoms can range from shakes and sweats to bad stomachs to uncontrollable sobbing to full panic attacks and fainting.

I often bail on plans because I get anxious about being anxious but I'm too embarrassed to say it's because I'm anxious because people don't get it.

It's weird to not be okay when you actually have nothing to not be okay about. You have no idea how much I am shaking whilst writing this because I can't cope with the fact that someone is going to read this. Yet I want more than anything for people to read this because it is so incredibly common.

I am a bit broken but I know I am not alone. So many people suffer with mental illness and still this huge stigma surrounds it. Why is it not okay to talk about it? I am lucky that I have a husband who has so much patience for me. I have often ruined plans because I get so worked up and he never gets angry with me because he gets it. Sometimes I just can't. I have no explanation or excuse I just can't. 

If you know me just think about this deeply. When you met me would you have put me down for A mental health patient because I am one. Mental illness is here, in front of you. Don't judge. Be kind. Be patient. Know that I am still me but sometimes I just short circuit. If you don't know me It may be your friend, your sibling, your colleague, anyone because it is everywhere. Just take a minute, take some time to talk or to listen. We just need an ear or a hug or to know that you're around. Don't shut us out. Don't get pissed off with our bailing. Take time to try understand. 

Mental health doesn't have a type, it can sink its claws into anyone in so many different ways. If you suffer with it, don't. From today, don't suffer. Talk about it to anyone and everyone. Please don't stay silent, please don't be embarrassed. See it as being part of a huge dysfunctional family, embrace it. That is when the stigma gets punched in the mouth and we can stand proud. Don't let it beat you down. 

You are here. You are beautiful.

Nothing better than a woman

I became very aware around the age of thirteen that I fancied girls but coming from a Christian family that was heavily involved with church life I kind of knew it wasn’t “right”. I was living in a world where man and woman was the natural way of life.  My sister was a bit wayward. She listened to grunge and wasn’t down with God, a lot of our Christian friends weren’t particularly happy about it. If they could get mad at my sister for liking Nirvana then how would they treat me if they knew I wanted to kiss girls?

I struggled internally with these huge urges I had towards girls until I finally had an opportunity to explore. Saturdays were my dance days; I had a few classes back to back and spent most of the day out of the house. My friend and I decided to skip drama and go and try to smoke a cigarette she had taken from her mum’s purse. We hid under the pier down the beach and got talking about boys and she said she had never kissed a boy and she was worried that she would do “the washing machine” I said I had kissed a few boys so she asked me if I could teach her. As soon as our tongues touched I knew that it was right. I was meant to kiss girls. She freaked out and told me to never tell anyone what happened and ran off. I felt the softness of her lips linger on me for a long time.

                Things changed about a year later when I finally confided in a small circle of female friends that I was bisexual. Obviously, being a teenager in school, when shit like that goes down you don’t keep it to yourself. So – naturally - the whole year knew by the end of the day that I was now a stinking lesbian. I found school hard from then on. I got paranoid that female friends worried about being around me. I got sick of being called a dirty dyke by this one group of bitches. I got scared when that group followed me home and threw stones at me. I made sure I had boyfriends so people would forget about it. The worst part was when I realised I was fully in love with my best friend and I wanted nothing more than to kiss her. Unrequited love is a killer, especially the secret kind.

I became very good at hiding my bisexuality and could satisfy the urges with having the odd night out in a gay bar and doing some stuff in the toilets with random chicks. My first proper relationship with a girl suffered because I couldn’t cope with being openly Bi properly after years of oppressing it and the next possible relationship faltered because I was still hung up on my ex and acted like a complete cunt to this beautiful woman.

I am now a mother of two daughters and there are so many things I want for them in life but the biggest thing I want for them is to be true to who they are. It enrages me that there is so much hate in this world not just with homophobia but with race, religion, politics etc. but no matter what, you will always find incredible women everywhere you look. I hope that when my girls are older they can say that I was a good mum and that I taught them well. I hope that I have provided them with the important values a person needs like respect and kindness. I hope that courage and patience is above money and possessions. I hope they never judge anyone on anything they do and they support their loved ones with the choices that they make. I hope that they see beauty and experience love and cherish the moments of happiness and sorrow because they are the foundations on which you build your soul. I am lucky to have had so many females in my life whether it is in the shape of family, friend or lover. Every woman that I have met has done something which has helped to shape me. These are a few lessons I have learned.

Josephine March taught me that you don’t have to do what is expected of you

Hermione Granger taught me that being a nerd doesn’t make you a wimp

Courtney Love taught me that harsh words can’t break you

Gaynor Derham taught me that you can get dragged to hell but you can make it back home again

Natalie Thomas taught me that life is too short

Julia Titus taught me that having kids young doesn’t make you a failure it makes you a super hero

Samantha Jones taught me that it’s okay to just really love sex

Liz Phillips and Zoe Williams taught me that laughter is always the best medicine

Cat Rees taught me to never be taken for a fool again

Ann Phillips taught me that women are tigers and you will hear us roar

Haysha Kitchener taught me fuck it!

Pineapple girl taught me that no fruit will ever be as tasty as a pineapple

Lisa Crew taught me that it’s okay to go to a really dark place to inspire the light

Kate Winslet taught me that her boobs are pretty much perfection

The list could go on for days as there are so many incredible women in my life. I feel at peace knowing that I have all these powerful characters looking out for me and enriching my femininity.

Women, I salute you.

10 important life lessons Empire Records has taught us

When you are a teenage girl and you have the weight of a sleepover resting on your shoulders there is a short but vital list that will help you. Get snacks to please everyone. Have all items for makeovers ready and waiting. Get an incredible movie to watch. I was 13 and I had spent a long time prepping for this event. I had cleaned the room and made it super cosy and comfy for my guests. I had organised sparkly nail varnishes, garish eyeshadows and an array of scrunchies next to the bowls of crisps and maltesers. My Mum had splashed out and got THREE frozen pizzas, all that was left was the movie. I had saved some pocket money and asked if we could go and rent a video and whilst I scanned the VHS cases I fell upon Empire Records. It had a dog wearing headphones and some cool kids on the front. I thought it would hit the mark. It didn’t. My friends thought it was ‘SOOO lame!’ I – on the other hand – LOVED it. It remains one of my favourite movies to date and the more I watch the more I realise how this isn’t just a movie it is an important lecture into adulthood. Without this movie I don’t think I would be the stand-up citizen I am today and I will never be able to explain how excited I got when actual Ethan Embry followed me on twitter. I will now guide you through these lessons (in list form because who doesn’t love a list!)

1. You never have to explain your art to anyone.

It’s your art; the world can like it or suck it. It is YOUR art. Who cares what people think? Do what makes you happy and what makes you feel artistically free. You want to make pin badges with angsty taglines on them then do it. You want to glue quarters to the floor, you glue them and be proud. You don’t have to answer to anyone!

2. Your idols will quite often be a let down.

There is one singer of a band that I love but he is quite well known for being an arsehole. I met him once and he wasn’t overly rude but he wasn’t very engaging either compared to the rest of the band and it put me off them a bit because I just think you should be nice to people, regardless of who they or you are. It’s just unfortunate that some people get above their station and these are the ones that don’t care about you, they enjoy seeing you humiliated and crying. They secretly wash their hair with your tears. 

3. Sometimes (most times) that weird punk/ Goth is actually super nice.

They come across as gnarly angst-ridden brick walls that need bulldozers to break their heavily pierced, eye lined exterior but inside they are the softest ball of butter you will ever meet. Secretly they also love unicorns. More than anything they just want to be loved and liked and you will find that they fight the hardest for someone/ something they believe in. Big up the goths!

4. You will always have one friend that you secretly have the horn for.

This doesn’t apply to every friend. I have loads of friends and I am 97% sure I haven’t thought of them all naked but there will be one guy/girl that you talk to more than the others and you tell him/her things that are deeply personal and you show vulnerability and frailty then BAM! Friend zone explodes and you want to pork. After all they make you feel like a bath, right A.J?

5. Corporates try to ruin everything.
I hate money. So does Lucas. Money ruins everything. I know we need it to survive or whatever but in my hometown an independent record store has been serving us since 1894 (obviously back then it was selling phonographs rather than the new Alice in Chains vinyl) but the bigwigs swan in and try to ruin everything and they make stupid rules. No gum chewing? We’re talking to customers all day long, should we not have fresh breath? No piercings or tattoos? I have heard that it affects the way you work; it must be all the metal dragging you down. No revealing clothing? Most dates come from flirting with customers. Stupid corporates!

6. Your work mates will help you with the drama of life better than anyone else.

Need love life advice? Your mature boss will help you with their nuggets of wisdom (as long as you keep your hands off their beer, cigars and drumsticks) Need some advice on how to seduce a pop star? Borrow your friends red bra, job done. Want to shave your head, borrow my clippers.  Hungry? Hello pizza delivery and special chocolate brownies with extra sugar. You want to sing in a band? Come sing with us. Your work mates see you more than anyone else. You become a family; there is nothing they won’t do for you. If anything they make you chase your dreams more.

 

                                   

7. Record stores are the best place to work EVER!
You meet all walks of life in a record store. It’s a holy grail for people to congregate in their one joint love of music. No one judges you, if anything they make suggestions for what else you may like or tell you about a band playing down the road that you should check out. I spent years trying to get a job in HMV, Virgin and, of course, Spillers but to no avail. I still feel hugely disappointed.

8. Always play with their minds.
This can be used on many levels. You never want to be an open book. Live your life shrouded in a bit of mystery. Keep a part of you hidden. Make people think about you. You want to leave an impression on people and the best way is to be a little bit weird. Also great for catching shoplifters.

9. Empire records is one of the most quotable movies of our generation.
I can honestly quote empire records in context to something every day. There are so many characters and stories blended into one movie that it gives you a wide range of use for dropping in the quote bomb. When I was in Uni my housemates and I practically spoke in Empire records language. I would list them on here but I would be here all night. Just watch the movie.

10. Music is the glue of the world.
I can’t imagine my life without music. Just having some rap, metal and Whitney Houston to listen to makes me feel all kinds of awesome. There is something for every mood you are feeling. It will always be there for you. It unites us as friends, hell, even as nations. Without music – life – would be meaningless.

So, in the immortal words of The Doors, the time to hesitate is through. Put the movie on and bask in the glow of the almighty juggernaut that is Empire Records.

The big 3-0 #5 May and June

Thursday 1st May- beautiful sky

Friday 2nd May- This is just impossible

Saturday 3rd May- flowers are starting to bloom

Sunday 4th May- Can't wait to be on one of those in 5 weeks!

Monday 5th May- Dreaming

Tuesday 6th May- Reflections

Wednesday 7th May- watching this again, so important to watch

Thursday 8th May- first tap class tonight, loved every minute of it!

Friday 9th May- my 3 year old has fallen in love with this snail- she's named it Lucy so I guess we have a pet snail now!

Saturday 10th May- one of my favourite nights of the year

Sunday 11th May- being sweet 

Monday 12th May- evening drive with my mum

Tuesday 13th May- Stump

Wednesday 14th May- spent the evening doing the window display in work

Thursday 15th May- Through my peep hole

Friday 16th May- Wagamamas with my girls

Saturday 17th May- grey hairs and bad roots, thanks 30!

Sunday 18th May- #25 paint the Amoty Island Billboard

Monday 19th May- healthy dinner

Tuesday 20th May- Hubby inspecting his freshly mowed lawn

Wednesday 21st May- Mummra, Slug and I

Thursday 22nd May- New tumblers

Friday 23rd May- cloudy

Saturday 24th May- New shorts

Sunday 25th May- new jumper and new phone case

Monday 26th May- Cpt. Jack Sparrow

Tuesday 27th May- one of my most favourite albums of all time. 

Wednesday 28th May- 🍄

Thursday 29th May- crafting with my girls

Friday 30th May- Nibbles

Saturday 31st May- Layers

Sunday 1st June- boobs or knees?

Monday 2nd June- baby drunk too much ice tea

Tuesday 3rd June- Southerndown 

Wednesday 4th June- it's raining again

Thursday 5th June- goodbye greys, hello red

Friday 6th June- Wagas with my loves for early birthday dinner, I had a spray tan earlier in the day!

Saturday 7th June- new album by my favourite band

Sunday 8th June- That's it, I'm 30. No more 8pm photos, horray! (Still going to wear clothes with skulls on!)

This was fun but also a bloody pain in the arse! Can't believe I kept it going the whole year though.

It's been a pleasure!

The big 3-0 #8 no chocolate for a week

This was harder than giving up cigarettes!

My wonderful friend Liz challenged me to a week without chocolate, what a wonderful friend.

I'm one of those people that has to have chocolate at least once a day otherwise I get really cranky.

After I agreed I soon realised pretty much every sweet thing in my house had chocolate in it, unless it was stupid fruit, bluergh! Hell.on.earth!

Luckily, last night I went for dinner for a pre birthday treat and we realised it had technically been a week since I had eaten chocolate so I got dessert and man, it was the best god damn cake I've ever had.

One more off my list. Can't wait to have a galaxy bar tomorrow ooh and a dairy milk. Maybe a wispa, definitely a kitkat chunky. Maybe the new orange flavour...

The big 3-0 #28 raise money to get a memorial bench for my sister

My wonderful sister passed away 13 years ago today. Sometimes it feels like yesterday, others it feels like forever. 

The pain never leaves us but after time you learn to cope, you pick yourself up and move on. 13 years is a long time. I miss her every day but the anniversary is always painful mostly because it drudges up the memories of that awful day. 

The rest of the year I can conjur up happy memories in the blink of an eye but June 3rd is always painted with bleakness. 

I wish I could block out some of the memories yet I never want to forget a single shred of her.

Natalie was wild and care free. She hated being static, still or caged. When we had to make the decision of where to lay her to rest there was no question in our minds that she want to be cremated. We scattered her ashes into the sea at Southerndown beach, one our favourite family places.

We go there every year and lay sunflowers down there but we don't have a plaque or anything. I know this is really painful for my mum so for the past year I have been in contact with many different people to request a bench or a plaque on an existing bench down southerndown.

Unfortunately, I haven't been granted one. I completely understand why and, although disappointed, I'm not angry about it. Due to the place being a hotspot for suicides and motor accidents they actually have a high level of requests for this. They don't want the place to become a shrine of the dead, which I completely understand. 

So, one of my list is failed but I tried. We will still go there and lay down those sunflowers. That beach will always be precious to us and Nat. 

More than anything, I would just like her back.