I became very aware around the age of thirteen that I fancied
girls but coming from a Christian family that was heavily involved with church
life I kind of knew it wasn’t “right”. I was living in a world where man and
woman was the natural way of life. My
sister was a bit wayward. She listened to grunge and wasn’t down with God, a
lot of our Christian friends weren’t particularly happy about it. If they could
get mad at my sister for liking Nirvana then how would they treat me if they
knew I wanted to kiss girls?
I struggled internally with these huge urges I had towards
girls until I finally had an opportunity to explore. Saturdays were my dance days;
I had a few classes back to back and spent most of the day out of the house. My
friend and I decided to skip drama and go and try to smoke a cigarette she had
taken from her mum’s purse. We hid under the pier down the beach and got
talking about boys and she said she had never kissed a boy and she was worried
that she would do “the washing machine” I said I had kissed a few boys so she
asked me if I could teach her. As soon as our tongues touched I knew that it
was right. I was meant to kiss girls. She freaked out and told me to never tell
anyone what happened and ran off. I felt the softness of her lips linger on me
for a long time.
Things
changed about a year later when I finally confided in a small circle of female
friends that I was bisexual. Obviously, being a teenager in school, when shit
like that goes down you don’t keep it to yourself. So – naturally - the whole
year knew by the end of the day that I was now a stinking lesbian. I found
school hard from then on. I got paranoid that female friends worried about
being around me. I got sick of being called a dirty dyke by this one group of
bitches. I got scared when that group followed me home and threw stones at me.
I made sure I had boyfriends so people would forget about it. The worst part
was when I realised I was fully in love with my best friend and I wanted
nothing more than to kiss her. Unrequited love is a killer, especially the
secret kind.
I became very good at hiding my bisexuality and could
satisfy the urges with having the odd night out in a gay bar and doing some
stuff in the toilets with random chicks. My first proper relationship with a
girl suffered because I couldn’t cope with being openly Bi properly after years
of oppressing it and the next possible relationship faltered because I was
still hung up on my ex and acted like a complete cunt to this beautiful woman.
I am now a mother of two
daughters and there are so many things I want for them in life but the biggest
thing I want for them is to be true to who they are. It enrages me that there
is so much hate in this world not just with homophobia but with race, religion,
politics etc. but no matter what, you will always find incredible women
everywhere you look. I hope that when my girls are older they can say that I was
a good mum and that I taught them well. I hope that I have provided them with
the important values a person needs like respect and kindness. I hope that
courage and patience is above money and possessions. I hope they never judge
anyone on anything they do and they support their loved ones with the choices
that they make. I hope that they see beauty and experience love and cherish the
moments of happiness and sorrow because they are the foundations on which you
build your soul. I am lucky to have had so many females in my life whether it is
in the shape of family, friend or lover. Every woman that I have met has done
something which has helped to shape me. These are a few lessons I have learned.
Josephine March taught me that you don’t have to do what is
expected of you
Hermione Granger taught me that being a nerd doesn’t make
you a wimp
Courtney Love taught me that harsh words can’t break you
Gaynor Derham taught me that you can get dragged to hell but
you can make it back home again
Natalie Thomas taught me that life is too short
Julia Titus taught me that having kids young doesn’t make
you a failure it makes you a super hero
Samantha Jones taught me that it’s okay to just really love
sex
Liz Phillips and Zoe Williams taught me that laughter is
always the best medicine
Cat Rees taught me to never be taken for a fool again
Ann Phillips taught me that women are tigers and you will
hear us roar
Haysha Kitchener taught me fuck it!
Pineapple girl taught me that no fruit will ever be as tasty
as a pineapple
Lisa Crew taught me that it’s okay to go to a really dark
place to inspire the light
Kate Winslet taught me that her boobs are pretty much
perfection
The list could go on for days as there are so many incredible
women in my life. I feel at peace knowing that I have all these powerful
characters looking out for me and enriching my femininity.
Women, I salute you.
