I'm Fine

Today marks national mental health day. Mental health is so large scale that we now have a whole day dedicated to raising awareness for this multi-layered increasingly common problem. Yet it is something that people do not want to talk about.

I was 16 when I first started taking anti-depressants. Most people put it down to me being a moody goth and my parents divorcing. I couldn't pinpoint what was wrong with me I just knew that I wanted it to stop. I was quite far in the grips of depression and then when my sister died it nearly made me fall over the edge. But somehow it didn't.

Something inside of me - however small it was - kept on fighting and kept moving me forward and I got through it. For years I was good. I would have blue days where I would do nothing but cry but most of the time I was good.

Then one day I wasn't - just like that. My best friend was moving to Australia and all of a sudden I just couldn't cope with anything. Her leaving me was this humongous catalyst that would inhibit my every day life. I have now been suffering with crippling anxiety since 2008.

Here are some examples of how ridiculous my anxiety attack reasons are- 

I was going to a gig and I had a driving lesson the next day. I got so anxious about being tired in my lesson and driving badly that I ended up selling my concert tickets so I didn't jeopardise my driving ability

Whenever I wear red lipstick I am so anxious and paranoid that it draws attention to my teeth (one of my teeth sticks out- a snaggletooth in the making if you will) that I have an internal battle the entire time I wear it. I argue with myself about taking it off so they will stop staring at my teeth but if I take it off they'll know it's because I know that they are looking at my teeth (they're not)

Sometimes I get so concerned that I chew loudly or my stomach will bloat so much I literally cannot eat in front of people. I once went 45 hours without eating when I went away with a friend because I got anxious about it. 

I got so anxious that I wasn't a good drunk I gave up drinking for five years then when I started drinking again I started panicking that people would make fun of how quickly I got drunk so I don't actually like drinking in front of people

I once got so anxious about whether the mums in the playground thought I was a paedophile because I had a Michael Jackson t shirt on I Haven't worn it since.

I said they were ridiculous.

The smallest thing in the world can set of my anxiety and my symptoms can range from shakes and sweats to bad stomachs to uncontrollable sobbing to full panic attacks and fainting.

I often bail on plans because I get anxious about being anxious but I'm too embarrassed to say it's because I'm anxious because people don't get it.

It's weird to not be okay when you actually have nothing to not be okay about. You have no idea how much I am shaking whilst writing this because I can't cope with the fact that someone is going to read this. Yet I want more than anything for people to read this because it is so incredibly common.

I am a bit broken but I know I am not alone. So many people suffer with mental illness and still this huge stigma surrounds it. Why is it not okay to talk about it? I am lucky that I have a husband who has so much patience for me. I have often ruined plans because I get so worked up and he never gets angry with me because he gets it. Sometimes I just can't. I have no explanation or excuse I just can't. 

If you know me just think about this deeply. When you met me would you have put me down for A mental health patient because I am one. Mental illness is here, in front of you. Don't judge. Be kind. Be patient. Know that I am still me but sometimes I just short circuit. If you don't know me It may be your friend, your sibling, your colleague, anyone because it is everywhere. Just take a minute, take some time to talk or to listen. We just need an ear or a hug or to know that you're around. Don't shut us out. Don't get pissed off with our bailing. Take time to try understand. 

Mental health doesn't have a type, it can sink its claws into anyone in so many different ways. If you suffer with it, don't. From today, don't suffer. Talk about it to anyone and everyone. Please don't stay silent, please don't be embarrassed. See it as being part of a huge dysfunctional family, embrace it. That is when the stigma gets punched in the mouth and we can stand proud. Don't let it beat you down. 

You are here. You are beautiful.

Nothing better than a woman

I became very aware around the age of thirteen that I fancied girls but coming from a Christian family that was heavily involved with church life I kind of knew it wasn’t “right”. I was living in a world where man and woman was the natural way of life.  My sister was a bit wayward. She listened to grunge and wasn’t down with God, a lot of our Christian friends weren’t particularly happy about it. If they could get mad at my sister for liking Nirvana then how would they treat me if they knew I wanted to kiss girls?

I struggled internally with these huge urges I had towards girls until I finally had an opportunity to explore. Saturdays were my dance days; I had a few classes back to back and spent most of the day out of the house. My friend and I decided to skip drama and go and try to smoke a cigarette she had taken from her mum’s purse. We hid under the pier down the beach and got talking about boys and she said she had never kissed a boy and she was worried that she would do “the washing machine” I said I had kissed a few boys so she asked me if I could teach her. As soon as our tongues touched I knew that it was right. I was meant to kiss girls. She freaked out and told me to never tell anyone what happened and ran off. I felt the softness of her lips linger on me for a long time.

                Things changed about a year later when I finally confided in a small circle of female friends that I was bisexual. Obviously, being a teenager in school, when shit like that goes down you don’t keep it to yourself. So – naturally - the whole year knew by the end of the day that I was now a stinking lesbian. I found school hard from then on. I got paranoid that female friends worried about being around me. I got sick of being called a dirty dyke by this one group of bitches. I got scared when that group followed me home and threw stones at me. I made sure I had boyfriends so people would forget about it. The worst part was when I realised I was fully in love with my best friend and I wanted nothing more than to kiss her. Unrequited love is a killer, especially the secret kind.

I became very good at hiding my bisexuality and could satisfy the urges with having the odd night out in a gay bar and doing some stuff in the toilets with random chicks. My first proper relationship with a girl suffered because I couldn’t cope with being openly Bi properly after years of oppressing it and the next possible relationship faltered because I was still hung up on my ex and acted like a complete cunt to this beautiful woman.

I am now a mother of two daughters and there are so many things I want for them in life but the biggest thing I want for them is to be true to who they are. It enrages me that there is so much hate in this world not just with homophobia but with race, religion, politics etc. but no matter what, you will always find incredible women everywhere you look. I hope that when my girls are older they can say that I was a good mum and that I taught them well. I hope that I have provided them with the important values a person needs like respect and kindness. I hope that courage and patience is above money and possessions. I hope they never judge anyone on anything they do and they support their loved ones with the choices that they make. I hope that they see beauty and experience love and cherish the moments of happiness and sorrow because they are the foundations on which you build your soul. I am lucky to have had so many females in my life whether it is in the shape of family, friend or lover. Every woman that I have met has done something which has helped to shape me. These are a few lessons I have learned.

Josephine March taught me that you don’t have to do what is expected of you

Hermione Granger taught me that being a nerd doesn’t make you a wimp

Courtney Love taught me that harsh words can’t break you

Gaynor Derham taught me that you can get dragged to hell but you can make it back home again

Natalie Thomas taught me that life is too short

Julia Titus taught me that having kids young doesn’t make you a failure it makes you a super hero

Samantha Jones taught me that it’s okay to just really love sex

Liz Phillips and Zoe Williams taught me that laughter is always the best medicine

Cat Rees taught me to never be taken for a fool again

Ann Phillips taught me that women are tigers and you will hear us roar

Haysha Kitchener taught me fuck it!

Pineapple girl taught me that no fruit will ever be as tasty as a pineapple

Lisa Crew taught me that it’s okay to go to a really dark place to inspire the light

Kate Winslet taught me that her boobs are pretty much perfection

The list could go on for days as there are so many incredible women in my life. I feel at peace knowing that I have all these powerful characters looking out for me and enriching my femininity.

Women, I salute you.